I remember the moment I fell in love with my husband. He was surrounded by children at church camp. No matter where he went at camp children were trailing him having so much fun. My heart leaped every time I witnessed it. His one joy has always been children. I have seen some of the shyest children have their shell break away when Tommy comes into the room. I jokingly call him the child whisperer.
Our plan from the very beginning was to have children and many of them. I couldn’t wait to see Tommy be a father. When we found out that getting pregnant was going to be harder than we thought, it discouraged us. We didn’t give up, but it did sadden us that this was going to be a longer journey than we had expected.
Harder wasn’t even close. Accepting that your body needs to become balanced better to get pregnant is one thing, but being among a sea of women in their prime for having babies when you can’t conceive…that is heartbreaking. Don’t get me wrong, at every baby shower and birth announcement I have always been overjoyed. At the same time, my heart would weep. At the beginning of our marriage birth celebrations weren’t as hard to take because I wasn’t surrounded by too many that were pregnant, but then it seemed like a flood of fertility consumed everyone but me. Soon every person I knew was having a baby. It suddenly felt like I was more alone than ever–singled out and set aside. It would seem like every conversation I would walk in on or be a part of would be baby/pregnancy related. I would sit there silently weeping inside wondering “Why not me?” Every time I saw Tommy with a child I’d ask “Why doesn’t he get to be a father?”
I can honestly say, 2015 was the hardest year for me. That was the year I found out I had Poly-Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and started treatments for getting pregnant. I was taking meds that forced my body to ovulate, but I also experienced side effects similar to going through menopause. Doctor visit after doctor visit, I was told I wasn’t pregnant. My body was being forced to do things that in the end weren’t even working. During all this, friends and family were announcing pregnancies. As much as I wanted to be happy for them, most of the time I was envious. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore, and after only 3 months of doing treatment, I stopped it completely. Emotionally I couldn’t handle it and physically my body was exhausted. We decided to just try to do things naturally. I decided to take care of my body the best I could to get it working properly.
I am currently still on that journey and just taking each day at a time. In my times of envy I never once got angry at God or lost faith. Tommy and I have never fought about it or blamed one another. It has made us stronger and closer each day. Some people hate the old adage, “When the time is right, it will happen”, I know I did, but I have come to understand that God is at work in me and Tommy. He is molding us to be the right kind of parents when He knows it is right for us. My strength to keep pushing comes solely from Christ. If I didn’t have Him, I’m positive I would be in a deep depression or worse. I rejoice now in every child that is born and every pregnancy announcement. I am no longer envious of the mothers around me, for I know that God is preparing me.
Living infertile is very challenging, but I’ve learned so much about myself from it and for that I am thankful. If you struggle with PCOS, I encourage you to look to God for strength and wisdom through your journey. You are not alone in this and I pray that you find comfort. I would love to hear your story, so please feel free to comment or message me!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.”