Living Infertile

I remember the moment I fell in love with my husband. He was surrounded by children at church camp. No matter where he went at camp children were trailing him having so much fun. My heart leaped every time I witnessed it. His one joy has always been children. I have seen some of the shyest children have their shell break away when Tommy comes into the room. I jokingly call him the child whisperer.

Our plan from the very beginning was to have children and many of them. I couldn’t wait to see Tommy be a father. When we found out that getting pregnant was going to be harder than we thought, it discouraged us. We didn’t give up, but it did sadden us that this was going to be a longer journey than we had expected.

Harder wasn’t even close. Accepting that your body needs to become balanced better to get pregnant is one thing, but being among a sea of women in their prime for having babies when you can’t conceive…that is heartbreaking. Don’t get me wrong, at every baby shower and birth announcement I have always been overjoyed. At the same time, my heart would weep. At the beginning of our marriage birth celebrations weren’t as hard to take because I wasn’t surrounded by too many that were pregnant, but then it seemed like a flood of fertility consumed everyone but me. Soon every person I knew was having a baby. It suddenly felt like I was more alone than ever–singled out and set aside. It would seem like every conversation I would walk in on or be a part of would be baby/pregnancy related. I would sit there silently weeping inside wondering “Why not me?” Every time I saw Tommy with a child I’d ask “Why doesn’t he get to be a father?”

I can honestly say, 2015 was the hardest year for me. That was the year I found out I had Poly-Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and started treatments for getting pregnant. I was taking meds that forced my body to ovulate, but I also experienced side effects similar to going through menopause. Doctor visit after doctor visit, I was told I wasn’t pregnant. My body was being forced to do things that in the end weren’t even working. During all this, friends and family were announcing pregnancies. As much as I wanted to be happy for them, most of the time I was envious. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore, and after only 3 months of doing treatment, I stopped it completely. Emotionally I couldn’t handle it and physically my body was exhausted. We decided to just try to do things naturally. I decided to take care of my body the best I could to get it working properly.

I am currently still on that journey and just taking each day at a time. In my times of envy I never once got angry at God or lost faith. Tommy and I have never fought about it or blamed one another. It has made us stronger and closer each day. Some people hate the old adage, “When the time is right, it will happen”, I know I did, but I have come to understand that God is at work in me and Tommy. He is molding us to be the right kind of parents when He knows it is right for us. My strength to keep pushing comes solely from Christ. If I didn’t have Him, I’m positive I would be in a deep depression or worse. I rejoice now in every child that is born and every pregnancy announcement. I am no longer envious of the mothers around me, for I know that God is preparing me.

Living infertile is very challenging, but I’ve learned so much about myself from it and for that I am thankful. If you struggle with PCOS, I encourage you to look to God for strength and wisdom through your journey. You are not alone in this and I pray that you find comfort. I would love to hear your story, so please feel free to comment or message me!

 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

 

5 Comments

  1. Nadine Horn on July 13, 2017 at 2:50 pm

    God bless you sweetheart!
    I never knew you had PCOS too.
    I was diagnosed with it in Nov 1995, just 6 months after Gene & I were married.
    We tried various treatments & things up to what we could afford or handle. But eventually had to stop the “extras” due to various reasons (including his erectile issues).
    It would get to me in waves, especially when they marked down “Secondary Infertility” – then it really stung!
    It took several years to “accept” that & I still go thru occasional moments.
    We had talked off & on about adoption but I wasn’t in right mind frame at times or we weren’t able to.
    Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely thankful that God blessed me with Jason & that Gene adopted him as his own after we were married – but it wasn’t the same as having together.
    Now… years later, and having been diagnosed with additional health issues, I’m still resting in God – whether to get me thru down points, recalling promises, etc.
    Y’all will be in our prayers!
    Love ya

    • Danielle on July 28, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      Oh thank you for sharing that! It’s nice to know people I’ve known my whole life struggle with what I have. I am blessed that God has given me a man who is so patient and loving to me. God is so good and thank you for praying for us.

  2. Jeaneane Shelton on July 13, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    Danielle,

    God knows your pain and struggle. Now that you can rejoice for others, he will bless you abundantly in ways you can’t imagine. You and Tommy will receive your blessings of a child or children the way God has planned for you. May God bless you two and hold you near during this time.

    • Danielle on July 28, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      Thank you so much!

  3. Micahia on August 23, 2017 at 3:16 am

    I barely got through the first few sentences before I started to feel emotional and wanting to cry. I know this sadness. I know it so well and for so long. From the moment I found out about my PCOS I was crushed and the emptiness has never really left. Up until that point, I had always lived my life with the intentions of being a Mother.. having a child of my own. It was just something I knew I was going to do and I wanted it more than anything. As a woman who wants children, finding out you are infertile can be soul crushing. I’m glad you have an amazing hubby who will stand by your side and i’m glad your faith remains strong. I don’t remember really being angry with God for my infertility.. but I was angry with myself. I felt useless… like I wasn’t a valid woman anymore. Unless you struggle with infertility, you can never understand the emotions that a woman goes through about it. So many questions, so many moments where you feel angry. I would get so angry when I saw people who neglected their children, or people who had kid after kid and never really wanted them in the first place. Why not me? Why not you? Why do they get to be parents? Will I ever be able to experience looking into the eyes of my own child.. creating a life, watching it grow? I still mourn the loss of the children I may never have.

    All the love we have and want to give, nowhere for it to go?

    Perhaps it will happen some day, but what if it doesn’t? As I have told you before, the world is full of children who just need to be loved.. Even the ones with parents. With all the unloving parents and orphaned children in the world, is it really fair to bring another life into the world and put its value above them? It’s not fair that we deal with PCOS, but it’s also not fair that they feel so unwanted. To me it just seems like puzzle pieces. We have been given the ability to love as a parent and no way to be a parent. They have been given life, with no one to love and guide them.

    Don’t you see? Your daughter/son could already be out there, or about to be born.

    When my friend’s sister had her son and I began babysitting him he was only a month old. I took care of him till 9 months old. He was so little so beautiful and new. I fell in love with him. It was one of the best times/experiences of my life…..

    …but he wasn’t mine and I only saw him twice a week.

    I realized though, my capacity to love and take care of a child isn’t limited to biological ones. You can be fulfilled. The emptiness of childlessness isn’t permanent even if you cannot have your own. One day, you will be a Mother, and you will be an amazing one. If you have bread and come across a child who is starving, should you share some of it with them, or tell them that you are saving it in case you have your own hungry child. It’s the same with Love. If you adopt and love that child as your own, you can bet that child will look at you and see their Mother. See the love and family that you provide them.. they will be yours.

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