The Hidden Monster

Anxiety

“A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities”

-Mayo Clinic

If you’ve ever experienced even the slightest bit of anxiety, you know it’s not fun. Anxiety is literally a monster in my book. It hides under my bed and in my closet. Especially at night time when everything is quiet and my brain has nothing better to do. Imagine you are ready for bed after a long day and can’t wait to go to sleep. Well you lay down and suddenly your brain switches gears and a weight of stress related things comes to your mind or like me you have no problem going right to sleep, but then an hour or so later you wake up and your brain is exploding with worry. That is anxiety at its finest.

It’s been about 8 years since I’ve really had any kind of major anxiety. After my parents divorced, it was all downhill from there. I would have anxiety attacks at school to the point I would need to go home cause I couldn’t function the rest of the day. Finally it got to the point I needed to get help. I went to a Psychologist that put me on medication and saw a Therapist once a week. I started to feel normal again and therapy was great! (If you haven’t been to a therapist before I highly suggest it, even if you don’t have any real surface problems. Therapy is a GAME CHANGER).

Eventually I decided I didn’t want my body to depend on medication to get me through the day and I wanted to figure it out on my own. Especially after I finished therapy I felt I was in a place to take it on myself. Well after a couple months of dealing with it, (cause Lord knows dealing with anything on your own isn’t gonna work out) I finally found the right medicine…prayer. Every time I started to feel anxious I would pray and give my anxiety over to God. Almost instantly I would feel relief come over me and I was fine. So for the past 8 years that has been my “cure”. When I say I didn’t have an ounce of anxiety, I really mean it.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

Philippians 4:6 NIV

Well with no explanation as to why my anxiety has come back and is full blown. Anxiety attacks your entire life. Your confidence, your state of mind, your outlook on EVERYTHING, and even your relationships.

I am the most insecure right now then I have ever been in my life. Even more insecure than I was in high school which is saying something. My anxiety isn’t even focused around myself, but it still affects it. I look around me and all I can do is compare and feel judged. I no longer enjoy having my picture taken because all I can do is look at myself and be negative. My friendships have suffered because I feel I do not deserve them and convince myself they don’t want to be around me. Anxiety is a mental attack that just makes you question everything. I’ve even been open with people about it and they reassure me that everything is okay, but it doesn’t help.

I also experience night anxiety which is a first for me. I will be sound asleep and for no reason at all I wake up in an anxiety attack. Not a very pleasant way to wake up especially in the middle of the night. Luckily I fall right back to sleep, but it makes going to sleep very stressful as I always hope I don’t have an attack in the middle of the night. Like I said anxiety attacks EVERYTHING and at ANY time.

I’ve tried to figure out why this anxiety has suddenly appeared and I can’t figure it out. I truly think it comes down to my relationship with God. The past few months I’ve felt distant with God and I know that is a great part of why my anxiety is present. Whatever is going on, I know that God is beside me and He is fighting this with me. God is trying to show me (like He always does) that I can’t hold on to this burden myself. I need to be involved in the Word and be closer with Him again. We all can lose our way sometimes especially when the world is nothing but negativity and distractions. What’s reassuring is that God never leaves and always provides for us. I am beyond blessed to have that reassurance and I pray for everyone that deals with Anxiety that you may find that comfort as well. I’m still greatly dealing with my anxiety and I will keep you updated on my journey, as anxiety doesn’t just go away instantly. I just take it day by day.

I would love to hear how you deal with anxiety and the ways you find comfort. Comment below or send me a message!